Crossover

There are myriad reasons I never took to HR. A significant part of the work required using a necessarily  robust knowledge of employment law, the ability to read facial expressions and voice tones, combined with experience negotiating, all in service of conflict and litigation avoidance. When we did our jobs well, no one knew, and if things went well, they moved from negative to neutral. There never seemed to be any sense of satisfaction for a job well done. And Lordy knows I can't stand a whiner and there were so many whiners.  

My experience with self-improvement seems somewhat the same, a lot of work with no apparent positive outcome, averting crises rather than becoming Queen of the Galaxy, not that I'd want that, because I wouldn't enjoy sitting still on a throne.  The whole idea of self-improvement makes me think of a gently used paperback in the basement of the Brookline Booksmith with aqua lettering and a photograph of a woman with huge white teeth and newly blonded hair. But mine doesn't tend to be like that, lacking bullet points, chapters and "wins". Nevertheless, for whatever reason, it's something most of us work on. Perhaps many years ago, when Jude sent me a card I still have that says "Listening to your heart and finding out who you are is not simple", I was inspired.

Recently, I have been diving into the notion of judgement, something woven into the fabric of me, as it is. When thinking about how it's like to be judged by others, it feels to me like someone ascribing a set of unwritten and unspoken rules to which I'm not privy, nor to which I hold up. Particularly fertile in me as a teenager, I'd silently put people into categories based on their shoes or favorite songs. As an adult, the knee jerk still happens, I'm sad to say. I suppose it's laziness, as it's easier to gravitate towards simple, black and white. Or perhaps an ADHD thing, always needing to remove mental clutter in order to think straight. Indecision, uncertainty, suspending judgement isn't convenient. And it's destabilizing if it pushes up against pre-decided upon beliefs. 

As an exercise, I decided to spend a few days observing my reactions and thoughts. What were they? Did they make sense? Were they charitable? Logical? Emotional?.Hostile? Without giving away the mental farm, I'll tell you that I was surprised at how many of them skewed towards aggrieved, reminding myself of a women I know who, when she hit a ball at the bottom of the net, responded "robbed". Things that challenged my reality, whether cigarette smoke wafting in my living room window, a restaurant serving me salad dressing that's sweet, extended families clogging the aisles of Costco, people who apply for jobs they aren't remotely qualified for, and cars that cut me off in the exact same way I've done to others hundreds of times.  A reaction, never justified. But taking a step back helps, allowing for identification, a deep breath, maybe even a judgement of my judgement, and then the feeling is gone. And I might even then love having an extended family at Costco to watch while I'm waiting in line.

So, when we were changing sides on the court the day Sarah told us the story about the Dean at Emerson and the graduation speech I feebly mentioned in my last post, another layer was added onto these thoughts. Not having done it justice, below are Sarah's notes that she's kindly allowed me to share with you, because this is a good thing to think about "in these times".  From the 2024 School of the Arts Graduate Hooding Ceremony at Emerson College, the speaker is Kim McLarin

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The Oxford English Dictionary defines self-righteousness as being convinced of one’s own righteousness or moral superiority, especially in a smug, intolerant or hypercritical way. Self-righteousness has no age, no generation, no gender, no political affiliation or position on the ideological scale. Self-righteousness has no single position on the crushing and terrible and multiple events of the day. 

I’m struggling with it because I do believe in righteousness – I believe in civil disobedience and the moral necessity of speaking up and speaking out in condemning injustice and violence and casual and calculated disregard for human life whether happening down the street or across the world. Where righteousness leads and inspires, self-righteousness tramples and suffocates, shutting out nuance, choking empathy and ignoring the truth of human connectiveness.

At the very real risk of being self-righteous about self-righteousness, I think we all need to climb down off our high horses and meet in the middle if we’re going to move forward ……. But I don’t know, I’m not certain, I could be wrong (earlier she had introduced this mantra that I mentioned last time) a reminder not to believe that my way of looking at the world is THE way, instead of A way, one of multitudes.

When Socrates was told he was the wisest of all human beings he rejected the title and set off to find someone wiser than himself, but after listening to and visiting with the sages of the ancient world he concluded that he was in fact the wisest. Why? Because the sages knew nothing but were convinced they knew everything whereas Socrates knew exactly how little he knew.

Humility is the beginning of wisdom, or so I think …. I could be wrong.

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So there it is, plain as day. Does that say it all or what?

My knee-jerk reactions, self-righteous thoughts, put out into the world, serving absolutely no value, in fact likely causing harm. Having somewhat internalized the discipline of standing back and observing reactions, the work will be about allowing complexity and uncertainty it to take up residence in this stiff old brain. Re-examining, questioning will be the mental gymnastic I must repeat daily. in the hope of moving the two circles of the Venn diagram of life's understanding of others, whether around politics or food preferences, closer together. And while I can't imagine having a mind open enough to return to HR, I don't know, I'm not certain, I could be wrong.